How to Save a Life
by ferryboats7
Summary: Major MerDer, some Burketina. A car accident puts Mer's life on the line and shakes things up at Seattle Grace. Derek, consumed by guilt in regret, begins rethinking his decision.
1. Stuck in A Moment You Can't Get Out of

How to Save a Life

Takes place pretty soon after the bomb incident…George/Meredith never happened cuz I don't want to deal with it. MerDer, maybe some Burke/Christina. Bailey's off maternity leave. FYI, I no nothing about medical terms or what's possible/impossible so just go with this.

"What do we got?" Dr. Miranda Bailey spoke loudly over the whir of siren outside the E.R.

"Car crash victim, 28 year old female, a lot of head trauma, injuries to the spinal area. She said she couldn't move her legs when we first found her, then she passed out. Looks surgical." The ER doctor replied.

Bailey turned to Christina who was running up behind her. "Order C.T scans and page Dr. Shepard."

"Doctor, her vitals are low."

"Book an OR." Bailey added.

Christina nodded and took off, grinning to herself. Their shift had just started. Brain surgery before breakfast.

Bailey walked over to her other interns, whom she had been about to give assignments. "Karev, you're in the pit, O'Malley, Dr. Burke needs a patient consult, help him out, Izzie, you're with Montgomery-Shepard, and. . ." She paused. "Where the hell is Grey?"

"She'd already left the house when I left this morning." Izzie reported.

"Nice of her to show up." Bailey rolled her eyes. "Why are you still here?"

They scurried off, and Bailey turned back to the car crash victim. The ER doctor stared at her. "You want her for a CT scan?" Bailey didn't answer. "Dr. Bailey!"

Bailey nodded distractedly. She stared down at the girls face. Meredith. "Damn."

XXXXXXXXX

Bailey met Burke on her way to take Meredith for a CT. Burke stopped and stared at her. "What's with you?"

"Take a look."

Burke looked down at Bailey's patient, and his eyes widened. "What happened?"

"Some fool ran a red light. Head on collision." Bailey's voice rose in anger.

"Does-" Burke started to ask a question, but Christina came running up. Both doctors moved instinctively in front of the stretcher, blocking Christina's view of her best friend.

"CT's ready for us, and Dr. Shepard's on his way."

"Change of plans, Dr. Yang. You're off this case." Bailey kept her tone brisk.

Christina's eyes narrowed. "What! Why?"

"You're off this case. I don't have to give you a reason."

Christina gaped at her in disbelief, then shifted her eyes to Burke. "What's going on?"

"Christina. . ."

"Why am I off this case?"

"Who's off the case?" Dr. Shepard had joined them.

"Both of you." Bailey said quickly.

"Me?" Derek asked, confused. "You said a spinal injury and head trauma. That's definitely me."

"We'll get someone else." Bailey spoke slowly and deliberately, showing both of them that she was firm.

"There is no one else!" Christina told her. "You sent everyone else off somewhere, and Meredith still isn't here yet."

Derek didn't miss the look that passed between Bailey and Burke. "Where's Meredith?"

"She didn't show up this morning." Christina said impatiently. "This is ridiculous. Burke, tell her-"

"Christina, trust me." Burke said softly. She looked up at him, suddenly feeling a flash of fear from the expression on his face.

Derek felt sick. Something was wrong. He tried to think of all the reasons he'd be kept out of a surgery. Why he _and _Christina would be kept out of a surgery. He thought of the look between Bailey and Burke. The way they were standing in front of the stretcher. Christina's words, "She didn't show up this morning." He felt his blood run cold. He had a terrible idea of what was happening. But that was stupid, right?

He stepped around Bailey in one quick motion, before anyone could react. He stared down at the patient. His knees weakened, and he could feel the blood leave his face. He whispered, simply, "No."

Christina stared at him. "What?" She moved to follow him, and no one stopped her. She gasped. "Meredith. . .shit."

Christina felt Burke's hand grip her shoulder.

Dr. Bailey was speaking, but Derek couldn't understand her. He simply stood, his eyes locked on Meredith's face. Surely this wasn't real. Nothing would happen to Meredith. Not again, not after almost getting blown up by that bomb. No, this was a nightmare. . .

_"I can't remember our last kiss. The last time we were together and happy. I want to be able to remember that. And I can't."_

He couldn't breathe. His knees gave out beneath him and he dropped to the floor, holding his head.

"Dr. Shepard!"

Two hands seized him and pulled him up.

"Go to the on call room. Sit down. I'll take her for the CT scan. You need to calm down." Bailey's words weren't a request, but an order. Derek found he was too weak to argue, so he just nodded numbly. Bailey glanced at Christina, who looked like she might be sick. "You, too."

Derek began walking robotically, and Burke followed, slipping his hand into Christina's.

They entered the on call room and Derek sat on one of the beds, dropping his head into his hands. Christina sat too, and Burke sat next to her.

After a few moments of silence, Derek spoke robotically to Burke. "You can go if you need to, Preston. Sure you have patients that need you."

Christina looked up at him. She'd rather die than admit it, but she didn't want him to go.

"I'm good for now. Nothing scheduled."

Christina didn't like the concern in his eyes. She fought her instinctive relief and told him, struggling to keep her voice brisk, "You can, you know. Go I mean. I'm fine. I'm just staying until Bailey lets us know what's going on, or gives me another assignment."

Burke didn't buy it, but he humored her. "I know you are. But I'd like to know what's going on, too."

Christina nodded, satisfied.

Everyone was silent for awhile.

After what felt like an eternity to Derek, Bailey came in, looking grim. "There's a lot of damage. We're going to have to operate on the spinal cord right away or she's going to be paralyzed. There's a good deal of head trauma, too. We'll do the surgery, and after that it will depend on how soon she wakes up."

"Coma?"

Bailey nodded.

Derek stared at the scans Bailey handed him. His throat felt tight, and he waited for a few minutes before he was finally able to speak. "I'm doing the surgery."

Dr. Bailey shook her head. "Dr. Shepard, do you really think that's a good i-"

"Yes." His voice was firm. "I don't trust anyone else with her. Besides, I'm not going to sit around and do nothing. I'm doing it." Bailey looked like she might argue. "I'm your boss, you know. I say I'm doing it. I'm doing it."

"Me, too." Christina said suddenly.

"No, you're not." Bailey told her. "He's my boss and I can't force him to do something, but I can force you. You don't need to be in on this."

"Yes, I do! For the stuff he said."

Bailey looked at Christina. She could see she was scared, and Bailey's eyes softened. "I'm sorry, Christina, and you can hate me all you want but. . . I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Damn it." Christina whirled around and looked at Burke. "Burke." Her eyes were pleading. "Burke, please. Tell her. Tell her to let me-"

His voice was soft and calming. "Christina, I don't think you should. Just try to understand-"

"No, YOU understand. And get rid of that patronizing tone."

He didn't speak. Christina felt, to her immense annoyance, angry tears well in her eyes. "I want that surgery!"

Derek's voice startled them all. "It's my surgery. I put the team together. I say she's in."

Christina gave him a grateful look.

Bailey muttered, "I ought to see the chief about this."

"The chief's in surgery."

Christina was glaring at Burke. He started to say something to her, when Derek told Christina, "Let's go prep her."

She started to follow him out, then turned and addressed Bailey, "Don't tell the others yet. About Meredith. They won't be able to handle it and work." Then she left.

XXXXXXXX

Later, Derek was walking next to Meredith's stretcher as she was being wheeled to the OR. Christina was already inside, scrubbing in.

He stopped the nurses who were wheeling the stretcher. "Can I have a minute?" They nodded, and walked off.

He took Meredith's hand in his, and, speaking around the giant lump, in his throat, whispered, "You have to live, okay? You. . .you will. Meredith. . .I. . ." He felt like there was stuff he should say, even though she couldn't hear him. "I'm so sorry. I know I've made the past few months hell for you and I. . .I wish you could understand how much it kills me to see you hurt, and to live without us being together. . .and that I still love you. Because I don't think you get that. So. . ." Tears welled in his eyes, but he blinked them back furiously. "so you have to live. Because I don't know what I'll do without you. . .knowing that you never understood those things."

He felt like all this was useless, but he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out.

"I love you." What else was there to say? "I love you." He repeated it. Maybe if he said it a lot it would mean she'd understand. Maybe it would be enough to save her.

XXXXXXXXXX

They were almost finished.

"I think we've managed to save the nerves. She shouldn't be paralyzed."

"If she ever wakes up." Christina countered flatly.

Derek glanced at her. "Yeah."

"Is she. . .I mean. . ."

Derek understood what she wanted to know. "She's suffered a lot of trauma. Coma patients. . .I just don't know. It all depends on the next 72 hours. If she wakes up or not."

"So. . .three days? Of just waiting?"

He nodded. "How. . .how has she been doing lately? Since the bomb and. . . well, you know. . .everything?"

Christina looked at him. "How do you think? You know the answer to that or you wouldn't be asking."

"I just wanted to know because. . .because. . ."

Christina finished, "Stress can make things worse for head trauma right? That's why you wanted to know?" Everything in her tone suggested she knew otherwise.

"That's why." He agreed. He stopped working. His vision had blurred with tears, suddenly.

"IS something wrong?" Christina asked.

"No, I-I just need a second." He turned his back on them and lifted the glasses (whatever those things are) from his face. He wiped his eyes and then closed them against the building tears, willing them to stay back. Soon, he turned around and continued.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Christina!" It was late that night, and she'd just entered the apartment. "Where have you been?"

"With George, Izzie and Alex. Bailey told them the news after the shift ended."

"I heard the surgery went well."

"She won't be paralyzed, at least. Which won't matter much if she doesn't come out of the coma in 72 hours." Christina kicked off her shoes violently and dropped into bed beside Burke.

"It'll be okay."

"Yeah, right, like you have anyway of knowing that. Meredith might die."

"She might have died when her hand was on a bomb. But she didn't."

"Yeah, well, this is different. That was more 'something could happen to kill her'. Now, something _has_ happened, and it's medical, and now I can see the possibility, I can prove that there is something that could be killing her, right now." Her voice was rising in volume.

Burke went to put his arm around her and she jerked back. "Don't touch me!"

"What did I do!"

"You tried to keep me out of that surgery! You could see I wanted it, you could SEE I needed to be there, and you wouldn't help me. Dr. Shepard had to be the one to do it, not my own damn boyfriend!"

"I was trying to protect you! There's a reason surgeons shouldn't operate on their friends and family. It clouds judgment. If they don't make it through it consumes you with guilt. It's just not a good idea!"

"I thought you knew me better than that! When have I ever made a snap, irrational decision? You know I need to be in control, I can't stand being helpless. I KNOW medicine! I-"

"You're becoming incoherent."

"Just shut up."

He peered at her. "You're really scared, aren't you?"

"What!"

"You're scared to death. But you don't think that's okay so you're acting all angry at me. She's your best friend, Christina. It's okay to feel-"

"Don't tell me how I feel, Burke. I know how I feel. I'm pissed the fuck off. And yeah, I'm worried about Meredith, because, you know, she might die and everything. But I'm also pissed off."

She turned off the lamp and lay down.

Burke lay in silence for awhile. Then he wrapped his arms around Christina.

She was still awake. She felt his arms and started to fight it, but opted against it. She was too tired. He hands brushed her face, and she heard his voice. "You're crying."

She touched her face, surprised by the wetness she felt there. "Shut up." She told him quietly. He smiled.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Addison stopped Bailey in the hallway. "Miranda, I-"

"What're you doing here, Addison, you're not on call tonight?"

"I know, and neither is Derek. Have you seen him?"

Bailey studied Addison's face. She gave no indication of knowing anything about the events of the day. "No, I haven't but if I do I'll tell him you're looking for him."

Addison nodded her thanks and moved on. Bailey knew exactly where to find Derek. She headed for Meredith's hospital room.

He was slumped in a chair, staring at her, his eyes red rimmed. He looked absolutely defeated. Bailey's voice was quiet. "Your wife's looking for you."

"I'm staying here tonight."

Bailey laid a hand on his arm. "Come on. You need some sleep. There's nothing you can do for her now."

"If she wakes up I'm going to be here."

"You can't be here all the time. You're working tomorrow. Not a good idea on no sleep."

"I'm not leaving her."

"What are you going to tell your wife?"

"I don't care."

Bailey stared at him. "That's nice."

"I'm sorry, but. . .I'm not really thinking about Addison right now. All I can think about is how much I've hurt Meredith, and how she might die without knowing that I. . . . " He trailed off.

Bailey nodded. "I'll just tell her your watching a patient."

He didn't answer.

Bailey left him alone with Meredith.

He moved the chair closer to her bed so he could hold her hand. What was it he'd said to her? It seemed like forever ago. . .

_It's like I was drowning and you saved me._

"You saved me." He whispered. "Now let me save you." He'd been saying 'I love you' about a million times to her. . . as if he thought saying it would somehow make her wake up. It was useless. He laughed through the tears that were starting to fall from his eyes. "Actually, if you wake up, it'd still be you saving me. Because. . .if you don't. . .if you don't wake up I just. . .I just don't know what I'll do, Mer. I need you."


	2. Save Me

Chapter Two

Bailey entered the locker room the next morning to find a very negative mood. Christina was violently chewing a power bar, George and Alex were on the floor, leaning against the lockers, and Izzie was stretched out on a bench.

"Well, good morning to ya'll, too." She said sarcastically.

Izzie sat up, and the others turned to stare at her.

"Any news?" George asked.

"No change." She told them. Shoulders slumped. Someone groaned. "Okay, okay." Her voice grew softer. "Listen, this sucks, as I'm sure you all know. But we're doing everything we can-"

"Which is nothing." Christina put in. "We're waiting around for three days to see if she wakes up. That's all anyone can do for her now."

Bailey looked at her warningly. "Okay, we _have done_ everything we can. We just have to wait for some good news. But right now, we have to go and work on patients so their friends and family can get good news. Got it?"

One by one, they nodded. "Okay, George, you're in the pit, Alex, Burke's patient in 2321 needs a CT. Izzie, you're still with Montgomery Shepard on the preemie from yesterday. And Christina, you're hanging with me."

They nodded unenthusiastically, and headed off, except for Christina, who kept her eyes on Bailey. "What?"

"I didn't say anything."

"You're mad at me about yesterday, right? The surgery."

Bailey half smiled at her. "No, I'm not mad. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it."

"Seriously? You're not mad?"

"No. Now let's get going."

XXXXXXXXX

Addison took a long sip of coffee as she walked down the hall. She passed Burke in the hall and grabbed his arm. "Preston."

"Oh, morning, Addison." He smiled at her.

"Have you seen Derek?"

"No, not this morning. . ."

"I mean, he said he was staying all night with his patient, I know that, but-"

"Oh, right, I forgot. Christina did mention he was spending the night with Meredith-"

Addison choked on her coffee. Sputtering and coughing, she choked out, "WHAT!"

"Oh, no, God, no, that's. . ." He cleared his throat. "That's not what I meant. Spending the night in Meredith's room-"

"Her _room?_"

"_Hospital _room." Burke stared at Addison, embarrassed, taking in the look of confusion on her face. "You didn't know?"

"What are you talking about!"

"Meredith. . . she's his patient. . .he was, um, observing last night. She's in a coma."

"Oh." Addison shook her head. "_Oh. _What's wrong with her?"

"Car accident."

"Oh." She paused. "What room?"

"Um. . ." Burke was suddenly sorry he started the entire conversation. He muttered the room number, then said something about surgery and hurried off.

XXXXXXXXX

"You couldn't have told me yourself!"

Derek's eyes snapped open and he confusedly took in his surroundings. Then he saw Meredith on the hospital bed, and the horrors of the previous day came screaming back to him.

Speaking of screaming. . .

"Bailey told me you were 'with a patient' and neglected to mention the patient was _Meredith_!"

"Yeah, that Bailey. Vague." Derek yawned. He stood and walked over to the bed, checking Meredith's vitals. His heart sank a little. No change.

The volume in her voice lowered. "What are you doing?"

"Checking my patient."

"That's not what I meant, Derek."

"Well, Addison, I don't know what you mean. Meredith was in a _car accident_. She's in a _coma._ I'm sorry if you thought I was neglecting you to stay here last night."

"It's not about that, and you know it. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I have to inform you on every case I get now?"

"This isn't just _any_ case."

Derek was quiet. Addison looked at him closely, the red rimmed eyes, the painful expression. "And you weren't here last night as her doctor, were you?"

"What do you want me to say, Addison!" He exploded. "That's she's just another patient? She's not. I'm worried about her."

Addison was quiet for a moment. Then, "Is she going to die?"

Derek's head spun around to look at her. "What the hell kind of question is that, Addison?"

"I just wanted to know. I mean, you did surgery-"

"We did surgery on her spinal cord, to prevent paralysis. We have to watch her for the next three days."

"And if she doesn't wake up. . ."

"What do you want me to tell you, Addison? That she might die? Will that make you happy?"

"You jackass. Yeah, you got it right. I want Meredith to die. I hope she just dies right now, because that'll free you up for me, right?" Her voice was cold.

"Free me up for you? You have me, in case you haven't been paying attention. I chose you."

"You chose me, but that doesn't mean I have you." She let this statement hang in the air, waiting for him to protest. He didn't. Finally, she finished lamely, "No, I don't want Meredith to die."

"Okay. Good. Neither do I." He bit his lip. "Don't you have a patient or something?"

"I have Stevens monitoring the preemie. I wanted to see you."

"I'm working."

Addison watched as Derek looked at a machine he already had about a dozen times since she'd entered. "I can see that. But I'm not. And I thought I'd just, you know. . . keep you company."

He gave her a sarcastic smile. "Afraid to leave us alone? She's in a coma, Addison, there's no much that can go on."

Addison groaned. "You're hilarious, Derek. The question you should be asking is why you want me to leave so badly."

"The reason I want you to leave is because I don't like the reason you're staying."

"The reason I'm staying is because I don't like the reason you want me to leave."

"Well, hoorah, we've come full circle." Derek rolled his eyes. "I'm sick of playing word games with you Addison. I've got more important things to worry about."

Addison closed her eyes. What was she supposed to tell him? The truth? No. The truth was that she was worried about him being so scared for Meredith, worried that this car accident, the second near death experience Meredith had had recently, might make him want her again. But all that sounded petty, and selfish, and pretty much cruel when you faced with the very real truth that Meredith might die.

But it was true. She felt that way, and she couldn't help. She could tell he'd been crying. She could see the fear in his eyes. She knew how he felt about Meredith. He'd told her himself. His feelings for her just didn't go away because they were together now. She recalled his expression when she'd seen him after the bomb exploded. Fear. That fear wasn't for Addison; she'd been in no danger. It was for Meredith. And what would have happened if he'd gotten to her first?

"Do you love her?" Addison asked, the words escaping before she could stop them.

The question startled Derek. "I. . .I don't know." _Liar_. Here he was, not admitting to the statement he'd been repeatedly making all night.

Addison avoided his eyes. "Do you. . .do you love me?" She felt ridiculous, but it needed to be said.

God, no. Not this. Not now. "I don't know." He said again.

Addison nodded. She was silent for a moment, then snapped, "Well that's a great foundation for a marriage, Derek." She stormed out.

Derek watched her go, helpless. What was he supposed to tell her? That he was still in love with Meredith? That he had been this whole time, that he probably would always be? Did he really expect her to understand that he'd picked her because he knew he had to, that it had killed him to do it?

XXXXXXXX

"Time of death, 9:36." Christina said quietly. It was a post-op patient that Bailey had operated on two days earlier. Christina's eyes were glued to the flat line on the screen. Post op, but in a coma. Just like Meredith.

A wave of nausea hit Christina. She placed her hand on the edge of the bed the dead patient was lying in. Dr. Bailey grabbed her arm and led her out.

They stood there, silently, for a few minutes as Christina waited for the sick feeling to pass.

Bailey spoke suddenly, "It's not the same thing."

"I know that."

"No, you don't. Look at me." Christina rolled her eyes. "_Look _at me." Christina faced her. "I know what you're thinking. It's _not_ the same. You can't relate cases like this to each other. Just because he died doesn't mean Meredith-"

"He was post-op. Like Meredith. He had a chance to live, and a chance to die. Like Meredith. I know that it doesn't mean she will, but. . .when someone we know, not a random patient, but someone we _know_ is given that kind of chance. . .we think they _have _live. There _has _to be a happy ending, because deaths don't happen to people we know. This just proves. . ." She sighed. "Sometimes they die. And, and Meredith-"

"Meredith could wake up in a day or two and be fine." Bailey told her quietly.

"Or she could be like this guy. And just. . .flat line. Stop living. She could die. At any time-"

"Or she could wake up."

"You said that already."

"Keep saying it. Keep telling yourself that. Don't focus on what _could _happen bad. Focus on the fact that she _could _be alright. Meredith's tough."

Christina moaned. "It's not about toughness. It's science. It's a physical problem, and she's in a coma. You can't divide it and say the tough live and the weak die. And besides, Meredith's not so tough right now. She's messed up." Her tone became bitter. "That's why Shepard won't leave her. He feels guilty because of all the shit he's been putting her through lately."

"I thought Shep was your new best friend after he let you into surgery yesterday."

"What, you think I'll _need _a _new _best friend? Meredith's my best friend."

Bailey smiled. "You're being ridiculous. I was just kidding. And don't be too hard on Shep, okay? He's scared for her, too."

XXXXXXXXX

Addison joined Izzie in the hospital room where she was monitoring the preemie born a few nights ago. "How is he?"

"No change. We should schedule the operation."

"Way ahead of you. I just did it." Addison glanced sideways at Izzie. "You look exhausted."

"Yeah, well, I didn't get much sleep."

"Worried about Meredith?"

Izzie looked at her. "Yeah."

"Well, she's got my husband in there watching her constantly."

Izzie detected the resentment in Addison's voice, "Hey, this isn't Meredith's fault."

"What? The car crash?"

"No, this whole thing with you and your husband. It's not her fault. So you can't blame her! It's you two who messed her up. She just fell in love with some guy who happened to be married, and then his wife-"

"Stevens, easy. I wasn't blaming Meredith. It's my husband I'm mad at, so retract the claws."

"Oh." Izzie paused. "You're mad at Dr. Shepard for staying in her room? He's worried about her."

"It's not just that, Izzie. It's this feeling of helplessness. I can see how he feels about her, but he chose me because he felt obligated. And I can't do anything about his feelings for her. I just have to watch him resent me for something I can't help."

"What?"

"Not being Meredith." Her voice sounded quiet and sad. Izzie stole a glance at her face. She wasn't sure what to say.

Addison didn't know why she felt like she could suddenly spill everything. She decided to go all out and be honest with her feelings about this accident, "And. . .and he asks me why I have such a problem with him hanging around her room. What am I supposed to say, really? I can't tell him the truth, which is that this whole accident thing scares me. I just know that if she wakes up, he'll have had some type of revelation that he can't live without her, that he needs to do something 'before it's too late'. There's no way we can pull out of this, because even if she dies he'll be grieving for God knows how long and will try to divorce me to compensate. . ." Her voice trailed off when she caught the horrified expression on Izzie's face.

"That, that. . .that might be the most selfish thing I've ever heard." Izzie stammered. "My, _God_. That's one of my best friends, and she might _die_, actually _die_ and all you can think about is how it's going to affect your _marriage_? You're actually sitting here telling me the disadvantages to her coming out of a coma!"

Addison took a step toward her. "I know it sounds horrible but. . .I can't help it. And I don't want anything to happen to Meredith, I want her to be fine but. . ."

"Just. . .just stop talking to me." Izzie turned her back to Addison.

"Well. . .what am I supposed to think! It's not nice, but it's _honest_ and _someone _should be honest around here for once! It's reality. There is a chance that Meredith is going to die, and what am I supposed to think except what my husband will react-"

"SHUT UP!" Izzie yelled. "I can _not _stand here and listen to this. So shut up about Meredith or I'm out."

Bailey came walking in, having been passing by when Izzie started yelling. "What's going on in here?"

Izzie was so mad she could hardly speak, "She. . . she just. . .she said. . ."

Addison jumped in. "We were having a conversation, and I upset her talking about Meredith."

"Well we're all very sensitive at the moment-"

"Don't say it like that! Don't make it sound so innocent. Dr. Bailey, she was talking about if Meredith dies, she was talking about what it would do to her marriage! And if Meredith _lives _all she can think of it is how it will affect _her_-"

"Izzie! Izzie! Calm down."

Izzie stopped talking to just glared at Addison, who sunk into a chair and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Izzie, you need a break." Bailey told her. "Go, grab something to eat, gossip to the others about what just happened, visit Meredith, whatever, I don't care."

Izzie nodded and turned to leave.

Bailey and Addison were left alone. Addison was close to tears. "I don't know what I'm still doing here." Bailey waited, sensing more was coming. "Derek and I are kidding ourselves, and I'm an idiot to hang around here expecting him to change when he's clearly still in love with Meredith. People here are only going to see me as the person who cheated on him and then broke those two up-"

"Okay, now you're feeling sorry for yourself. People don't see you that way, except maybe Meredith. Izzie was angry today because she's on edge, and she's worried about her friend. Can you blame her for not wanting to hear you talk about Meredith's accident in context to how it will affect you?"

Addison wiped her eyes. "I'm a horrible person."

"I don't know about that. And I don't know about you and Derek either. That's something you two will have to figure out yourselves."

"He still loves her." Bailey didn't say anything. "Doesn't he? You can tell, can't you?"

"That's not my pace to judge Addison. If you want to know, ask him."

"I did. He said he didn't know." She gave a short laugh. "What did I expect him to say? 'Yes, Addison, I'm in love with her'? I'm his wife."

XXXXXXXXX

Derek was still sitting in Meredith's room when his pager went off. "Damn." He ran out of the room and spoke to the nurse on duty on that hallway. "Page me if there's any change with her.

He moved fast out of the room and reported the room where a CT scan had just taken place. Dr. Webber was standing there. "We got one for you. Needs brain surgery. Medical blah blah blah (sorry but I know nothing about medical jargon)."

Derek nodded, struggling to pull his mind out of the hospital room with Meredith. "Let's do this."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Time of death, 11:57." Derek said despondently. They'd lost the patient. Death. That wasn't what he had been hoping to see. He wanted to see a happy ending. He wanted to face happy people and tell them everything was okay.

Instead, he walked up to the haggard, exhausted looking husband of his patient knowing he was about to destroy this guy's world. She was only 26. They had been married a year. Derek felt a flash of anger. Stuff like this shouldn't happen.

He sat down next to the guy. There were other people, friends, standing around, watching. Derek had to force himself to keep eye contact with the husband. "Mr. Lowell, we. . .we did everything we could." The guy's face filled with terror at what was coming next. "But. . . there was. . .there was too much damage. I'm so sorry we . . .we lost her."

"She. . .she's dead?" His voice was shocked. "My Katie's dead?"

"I'm so sorry."

One of the people around him had their arms around him. He started sobbing. "No. . ."

Derek turned and walked numbly away, the guys voice echoing in his head. He went straight to Meredith's room and fell into a chair.

The tears he'd been holding back fell, and his body was suddenly wracked with soft, hard sobs. He gripped her hand tightly and let himself cry, wanting her to wake up so badly it hurt.

Addison saw Derek enter Mer's room. They needed to talk, and while she doubted that was the place to do it, it was probably the only place she'd see him for the next few days. She entered, and stopped dead. He was crying. She started to back out slowly, when she heard him whisper to Meredith, "I love you."

Addison hurried out.


	3. I Shall Believe

Chapter Three: I Shall Believe

Thanks guys, for all the awesome reviews! You guys rock, so I hope you keep reading and REVIEWING.

Addison backed into a supply closet, feeling oddly numb. The scene she'd just witnessed didn't feel real, but detached, like some dream she'd had long ago.

But it was very real, and very much in the present. Addison kept telling herself that.

She knew she was supposed to deal with this. This was supposed to be her wake up call.

He was in love with Meredith. She's known in a way, but now he'd said it aloud, he's made it real. Addison knew she need to accept the fact that that was not going to change.

But. . .

It would be so easy to pretend she hadn't seen that. Well, maybe not easy but easier than dealing with it. Easier than confronting him and finally admitting the truth, and ending this. . .giving up after the struggle.

Addison shook her head in disgust at herself. She couldn't pretend anymore. She couldn't live this lie forever.

XXXXXXXXX

"Over 24 hours." George said. "It's been over a day."

Alex spoke in response to George, but he was peering at Izzie . The four of them were sitting outside, at their usual table, food in front of them. No one was eating much. "There's still time."

"Two days." George nodded.

They ate in silence for awhile. Then, Christina spoke in a flat voice. "I lost a post-op patient. Shepard lost his patient on the table. Bad signs?"

"Morbid much?" Alex narrowed his eyes at her, then turned to Izzie. "Izzie. You're quiet."

"Addison's a bitch."

Christina groaned. "You've told us. We've agreed with you. Can we just move on?"

"To what?" Alex snapped. "Your bad omens? You're constant reminders that this might not end well for Meredith? Because that's the only fucking thing you've contributed. Every time one of us says something helpful you shoot it down."

"Like what, exactly!"

"Like when George told Izzie that the majority of post-op patients who wake up do it on the second day, and you said most who die do it on the second day, too!"

"It's true! It's a fucking _statistic, _Alex!"

"Guys, people are watching-" George put in quietly. They ignored him.

"None of us want to hear that right now! No one wants to hear that shit and you know we don't, but you say it anyway!"

"You know, you're a lot of thing I hate, Alex, but at least I thought _you _were honest!"

"I _am _honest. But this isn't about honesty, and you know it. You're determined to keep everyone down! You're determined to see the bad side of things!"

Both were yelling now, standing up in a face-off.

"That's because no one wants to accept that there could be a bad ending, that Meredith could die! You know what happens if we get our hopes? If we don't think about the possibility that she might die? It makes it that much harder if she does! It makes the bad ending worse! You have to, you have to be ready for the worst!"

"Well, that's fine for _you_! But there are other people here who don't want to hear stuff like-"

"Alex." Izzie said quietly, placing a hand on his arm. She was looking at Christina's face. "Let it go."

Christina turned and stormed off.

George cleared his throat. "So. . .Addison's a real bitch, huh?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Christina was speed walking down the hall when someone stepped out of the closet, nearly running into her.

"Hey!" Christina glared at her.

"Oh, sorry." Addison said distractedly.

"You often hang out in supply closets?" Christina kept walking and Addison followed a few steps behind.

Addison ignored the 'question'. "How Meredith?"

Christina laughed shortly, then replied tersely, "Why? Worried about your marriage?"

Addison opened her mouth but close it again, opting to walk in silence for a moment, before Christina broke it with, "Why are you following me?"

"I'm not. I'm going to talk to Derek. I guess he's still in Meredith's room."

They came to her room and found Derek in the chair as he had been before, looking defeated

"Derek?"

He turned and saw them but he didn't speak.

Addison's voice was slow. "Can you come with me for awhile? We need to talk."

His eyes went immediately to Meredith's

"Christina can sit with her."

Christina nodded without thinking.

Derek met her eyes. "You'll page me? If there's any change you'll page me right away?"

Christina felt a pang of sympathy for him, something new. She didn't trust herself to speak, suddenly, so she just nodded again.

Derek nodded back, stood, and followed Addison out of the room.

Christina took his chair and tipped it back as far as she could without tipping over. She felt suddenly awkward, which was idiotic; the only other person in the room was unconscious.

But Christina didn't really want to be the person to sit next to a seemingly lifeless body and talk to it; long, revealing, emotional speeches. She's seen patient's families and friends do it, and she never understood why.

Now, though, she thought of the way she'd first said 'I love you' to Burke while he was asleep, and she began to see the appeal of having important conversations this way. You didn't have to have a big moment, but you could get things that had to be said off your chest. Sure the person didn't hear you, but Christina knew people could always manage to convince themselves that the person, on some subconscious level, understood.

Christina put the chair legs back on the floor. She grinned suddenly at the mental image of herself kicking Meredith out of bed the morning of the bomb.

"Get your ass out of bed, Mer." She said aloud. She moved her chair closer to the hospital bed. "I know you're head hurts and damaged and everything. Whatever. Everybody has problems. And some of yours might be going away. Get this. McDreamy's been hanging around here this whole time. You know you'll end up hating yourself for missing it, and I'll have to be all 'supportive' through another crisis. So, get up!"

"Interesting approach. Not medical, but. . .I doubt if anyone's tried it yet."

Christina turned, startled, to see Burke standing there, looking at her with his eyebrows raised, probably weirded out.

Christina was suddenly hit with the absurdity of what she was saying and she began to laugh. Burke watched in bewilderment as she laughed hysterically. Finally, the laughing faded and she just stood there, staring at Meredith's bed, grinning, Burke still hovering in the doorway.

Coming as quickly as the laughter had, her eyes filled with tears and Christina was suddenly, to her horror, crying. Not noisy crying; the tears simply filled her eyes, overflowed, and ran quietly down her cheeks.

She sat there, unmoving, glad her back was to Burke.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Addison and Derek were sitting on opposite bunks in the on call room. For the first two minutes, they simply sat, looking at everything except each other.

Finally, Derek broke the silence. "You wanted to talk, Addison. Go with it."

She exhaled slowly. "Okay." She paused. "We're. . .we're kidding ourselves, Derek. Thinking this will ever work."

He sighed. "I know."

She stared at him. That was not what she expected. The one thing he agrees with her on. Guess that should say something.

She was so taken aback that she had to take a moment to gather her words. Finally, she just blurted out, "You're still in love with Meredith."

He looked at her. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to lie about that, Addison. I just kept. . .thinking it would go away."

"It won't, will it?"

He shook his head. "I care about you Addison, I do. A lot."

She blinked back tears. "I know you do."

"But I can't help it. I fell in love with Meredith. And now, if we stay together, I'll spend our whole lives resenting you-"

"For not being her."

"Yeah." He took her hand. "I am sorry."

She smiled sadly at him. "Me, too. For my part. I mean. . .if I hadn't. . .you know. . ."

"It's okay."

"You, too."

Addison laughed suddenly, wiping her eyes at the same time. "Do you realize this is the most civil conversation we've had in weeks?"

He smiled. "Yeah. Kind of pathetic, huh?"

"Kind of pathetic."

XXXXXXXXXX

That night, Addison was going to pack her stuff. Then she'd go see her lawyer. They would be filing.

She'd move out of the trailer the next morning. Derek was staying at the hospital that night, still refusing to leave on the hope that Meredith would wake up.

Derek had returned to his chair in Meredith's room that evening, after an afternoon surgery and several consults.

A smile tugged at his lips as he thought of getting to tell Meredith they were free. He would finally get to look into her eyes and tell her he loved her.

His smile faded. If she woke up he'd get to do that.

He couldn't even begin to think about that. She wasn't going to die. She couldn't.

Patients families said that. He's tell a woman her husband had a brain tumor that couldn't be removed . It would kill him. And she'd say 'but he _can't _die.' It didn't make it true.

But this was Meredith. _His _Meredith.

The tiny part of his brain that was still thinking logically, thinking like a doctor, knew that to their families, his patients were that important. He still couldn't believe that Meredith might be gone.

He got out of the chair and sat on the edge of her bed. Gently, he touched a strand of her hair that was falling across her forehead. He touched her face. His vision clouded.

There was still time. The three days they had to wait wasn't even halfway over quite yet. There was still time.

XXXXXXXXXX

Night fell and Izzie, Alex, Christina and George walked out of the hospital. George sighed. "I don't want to go back to the house."

"You want to go to Joe's?" Alex asked both of them.

Izzie shook her head. "Nah, it'd just remind of Meredith. Getting drunk at Joe's is her thing."

They laughed, but the laughter stopped quickly. "That was terrible." George told her.

"Sorry." Izzie said, smiling slightly. Her smile dropped. "But it's kind of true. I don't want to go there."

"Let's just go back then." Alex said. "I'll go with you and we can just. . .hang out for awhile." He glanced at George. "If that's okay."

George nodded to confirm it. He didn't like Alex a lot of the time, but he could see in Izzie's face that she wanted to come. He could also appreciate that Alex was trying to look out for her this whole time. George suspected the argument with Christina had been because of the look on Izzie's face when Christina made the coma death comment.

"Count me in." Christina said. "I don't feel like going back home. Burke will want to 'talk about everything' or something." She made a face.

So the four of them drove the house. They silently walked into the kitchen, removing food and drinks, and walked into the living room, sprawled out, and were silent.

XXXXXXXXXX

George opened his eyes and stared blearily at the ceiling. His back ached. Someone's feet were on his stomach.

Great start.

He moved out from under the feet and they hit the floor, causing Alex, who was asleep in the chair above George, wake up and let out a howl of protest.

"You were crushing my rib cage." George sat up and yawned. Christina was asleep in the recliner across the room and Izzie was stretched onto the couch.

"We're going to be late." Alex observed.

George crawled over to the couch and shook Izzie gently. Alex hurled a pillow at Christina.

Both opened their eyes. Christina glared at Alex.

Alex smiled pleasantly. "I know you hate to be late."

XXXXXXXXXX

It was a busy day at the hospital. Derek didn't have much chance to sit with Meredith, though he reworked his route to and from rooms to make sure he could look in on her.

Izzie worked with Addison again, and both were quiet, lost in their own thoughts.

Christina didn't see Burke until early afternoon. She'd been dodging him a little, not wanting to take the slight concern she saw in his eyes when he looked at her.

"You didn't come home last night." His voice startled her.

"I was at Meredith's. I mean. . .at Meredith's house. With George and Izzie and Alex."

"Oh." He paused. "You could have called, you know-"

"I didn't plan on staying the night, Burke. We feel asleep." She gritted her teeth in irritation.

"Oh." He looked like he might say something else, so Christina blurted quickly, "Well, I'll see you later. I have to go. Patients waiting." She forced a smile.

XXXXXXXXX

Derek stopped by Meredith's room instead of grabbing lunch. It had been over 48 hours.

Real terror was gripping him now. There was a reason to be scared. It was becoming clearer and clearer.

XXXXXXXXXX

When their shift was over that night, Christina stayed at the hospital when the others left.

Burke was in surgery, so she went into the gallery to watch. When it was over, she met him in the hall.

"I'm staying here tonight, okay?"

He looked surprised to see her. "Okay. . ."

"It'll be three days tomorrow." She offered by way of explanation. "I kind of want to wait." She smiled slightly. "Just wanted to make sure you knew my plans."

He smiled back, uncertainly. "I just want you to know I'm. . .I'm here if you need me to be."

She nodded. "I know you are. I just. . .I don't do well with stuff like this."

"I get that. But if you ever change. . ." He smiled.

"I'll tell you first." She smiled back.

"I hope. . .I hope things are good tonight. There's still time."

"I know."

XXXXXXXXXXX

It was nearly two a.m. Christina entered Meredith's room to find Derek sitting on the edge of her bed. She cleared her throat awkwardly.

"Hey." He didn't smile. He looked like he'd lost the ability.

"Dr. Shepard." She couldn't help feeling sorry for him, sitting here two nights already, waiting, only to have nothing change. "You look exhausted. If you want to get some sleep or something, in the on-call room, I. . .I can stay with her. I'll page you if anything, you know, changes-"

"That's, um, that's okay. I don't really want to leave her-"

"Come on. You've sat here two nights now. I won't let you miss anything." He still looked unsure. "Promise."

He hesitated. "Okay." He stood to go. "You'll page me?"

"I told you I would."

"Thanks, Dr. Yang."

When he left, Christina took the chair and sat down.

"You and Shep change places?"

She turned and saw Bailey hovering in the doorway.

"Dr. Bailey. What are you still doing here?"

"I'm on call tonight. Lucky me." She pulled up the second chair and sat down. "Poor kid. She's going to have one hell of a time when she wakes up." Anticipating Christina's next comment, she added, "And, yes, I said _when_."

"You don't know that. Burke says you never promise a patient's family a good outcome. Not even for a routine surgery."

"That's for doctors. I'm not her doctor. I'm not telling you this as her doctor. This is the way people talk. They try to reassure each other. They keep things positive. You should try it."

"Fine. But it still doesn't change that fact that later today it'll have been 72 hours."

Bailey's pager went off. She stood, and as she left called over her should, "Nothing wrong with a little faith."

An hour and a half passed without incident. Christina was starting to feel exhausted when she saw Meredith's eyebrows knit together.

She thought she'd imagined it. But, no, her eyelids. . .they fluttered. . .

"Oh, my God. . ." She murmured, standing up and running to the bed. Page Shepard, she thought dimly, and her fingers fumbled with her pager.

XXXXXXXXX

Derek woke suddenly, uncertain for a moment what had woken him.

Then he caught sight of his pager. Beeping. His heart began pounding and he jumped from the bunk and ran down the hallway.

He tore into the room, panting. "Is she awake?"

"Almost." Christina smiled at him.

Derek moved to the bed and sat on edge. He took her hand and squeezed it gently. "Meredith? Mer?" His voice shook violently but he didn't care.

Her eyes opened and she winced, staring around, blinking confusedly. "Der. . .Derek?" She whispered weakly.

His eyes filled with tears. He smiled. "It's me. I'm right here."

Her eyes moved around the room, then settled on his. "What. . .what happened to me?"

He reached out with the hand not holding hers and stroked a strand of her hair. She looked so scared. "You were in a car accident. But it's okay. You're gonna be fine now. You're okay."

"Thank God." Christina said, grinning at her. "Welcome back."

Meredith looked at her best friend. "How long have I been here?"

"Almost three days." Derek and Christina exchanged glances. Derek felt a lump form in his throat thinking about how close she'd come.

Christina glanced from Meredith to Derek. "I'm going to go call Izzie."

"Thanks." Meredith managed to say.

Christina turned at the doorway. She started to say something then stopped. Then she simply said, "Glad you're back with us."

"Me, too."

When Derek and Meredith were alone, he looked into her eyes. "You scared the hell out of me, you know that? I have never been so damn terrified in my life." His voice cracked. "I thought I was going to lose you."

Meredith's heart melted. He was looking at her in the way she always longed for him too. Something was wrong with this, but she pushed that to the back of her mind. . ."I'm okay now, Derek." She paused. "Right?"

His throat was too tight to speak. He just nodded.

Meredith's eyes filled with tears and they began to stream down her face.

"Hey, don't cry, Mer. You're okay now." _We're _okay, he thought.

"I know, I just. . ." She shook her head.

"God, I-I just don't know what I would've done, Mer." He touched her cheek, gently wiping the tears falling there. Their eyes met, and he leaned in and kissed her, gently.

Meredith pulled back after a moment. "Derek, what. . .what are you doing it?" She stared at him.

"Kissing you." He smiled. "Until you interrupted."

"Derek I. . .don't do that to me. Please," she begged. "Don't kiss me just because you thought I was going to die, because that just. . .it makes it harder for me. You're married. We can't do this. And I-"

"Sssshhhh." He smiled gently. "Addison and I are filing. We're done."

"Wha-" She couldn't believe it. She didn't trust it. "Why?"

"Because I'm in love with you."

Meredith had so waited to hear those words. She could hardly believe they were real.

"Addison and I weren't ever going to work because of that. She's not you, Mer. And I need to be with you. I love you."

Meredith stared at him. "Derek, I. . ." Her voice broke, and she fought sobs as she spoke. "I needed to hear that for a long time, you know."

"I needed to say it." He went to kiss her, but she pulled back.

"Derek I don't know what the hell you're doing-"

"Meredith-"

"You can't just. . ." She was nearly sobbing now. "You can't just make a decision like that to. . .to leave your wife just because you were worried about me. You have to think it through, you have to. . ."

"Why not?" He was taken aback by her reaction. "It was going to happen eventually. This is what it took to show me not to waste my time being miserable when I could be happy with you."

God, why did he always have to say the right thing? Why did he always hit her right where she need him to?

"I thought. . .I thought you wanted this!"

"I do. More than anything."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Do you. . .what are you expecting Derek? For you to tell me this and then expect me to just. . .just get back with you, just like that?"

He was quiet. Yes, that was exactly what he expected. Finally, he asked, "What is it? Meredith, just tell me what's wrong. I thought you wanted this, I thought you'd be happy."

"You don't get it. I love you. Don't think I don't because I do, more than ever. But you hurt me. I laid my heart on the line for you and you broke it. . .you chose her."

"So that's it? It's pride? You feel like my second choice?"

"No! I'm way past caring about pride. I gave that up when I told you to pick me. It's just that I'm scared. I never thought I'd get so deep with someone that they could hurt me like you did. I know you didn't mean to, but you did. You lied to me, and. . .I just don't want to get hurt again." Her heart was breaking to see his expression. It was killing her to say this, but it was true.

He stared at her, his eyes broken. "You don't trust me." She didn't answer. "I guess. . .I get it. But just so you know. You were never second with me. It's always been you, from the moment I met you. I was a goner. I knew it. I just knew I had an obligation to try to make my marriage work. And it's been killing me. Just know that it's never what I wanted. And the last thing in the world I want is to hurt you. I love you, Meredith."

She stared at him through a window of tears. "I love you, too. But. . .it wasn't enough for you that I was in love with you. And I don't know if it's enough now." He looked away. "Can I just have some time."

He stood up. "Yeah. Just. . . take all the time you need." He kicked at the chair leg to move it out of his way.


	4. Scratch

CHAPTER FOURScratch

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, or any part of Grey's Anatomy, wish is unfortunate, because owning Patrick Dempsey would make my life so much better. I also don't own the lyrics to Scratch.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, people, thanks for all the reviews. They're awesome, and definitely what keeps me writing. Been a little busy over the past few days, so hopefully I didn't lose many people. For the scene with the Scratch lyrics. . .if you don't know already, it's the song that's playing during the whole closet scene between Mer and Derek in "Break on Through" and is GORGEOUS. I listened to it the whole time I wrote this chapter. So for best reading experience, listen to the song if you can while you read. Or just think about the song and picture the scene in your head to the music. I have this awesome view of the scene in my head. . .too bad I can't control the actors and the show, etc. and make it happen. REVIEW THIS PLEASE : ) !**

"MEREDITH!"

It had been half an hour since Derek stormed out. Thirty minutes of silence to contemplate everything that had happened, digest all the information. . .all that silence, broken by her friends.

Izzie nearly through herself on her but Christina grabbed her back. "No hugs. Back surgery." She was grinning broadly. George and Alex joined the girls in forming a circle around Meredith's bed.

"Wait to give everybody a heart attack." Alex said, grinning at her.

Izzie nodded. "I'm just really glad you're okay."

"Me, too." George added.

Izzie kept going. "And we wanted to come right away but Christina, but she said you were with McDre-"

"Hey." Christina interrupted. "What's wrong with you?"

"Besides the fact that I've been in a coma for three days and feel like I got hit by a truck full on?"

"Yeah. Besides that. You've been crying."

Izzie stared at her. "What happened?"

Meredith glanced at Alex and George. Understanding instantly, Izzie seized Alex by the arm and Christina grabbed George.

"Hey!"

"Ow!"

"You're dismissed. We have to talk."

"But-"

The door slammed and Christina and Izzie turned back to Meredith. "What did he do this time?" Christina asked.

"He divorced Addison." Meredith said quietly.

"He what!" Izzie gasped.

"And that _upsets _you!"

Meredith groaned in frustration. "He just. . .he expects me to just jump right back in like he never did anything wrong! Like I've been waiting around for him this whole time."

There was a pause. "You have." Christina stated bluntly. Izzie hit her in the arm. "Look, I'm sorry, but. . .Mer, you've been miserable without him. And now you have this chance. . .why stay miserable when you can get exactly what you wanted."

Meredith couldn't stop the tears from filling her eyes; they had been doing that ever since she woke up, and she was growing irritated with it. "Just forget it, then! God, I should have known you guys wouldn't understand."

Christina and Izzie exchanged a look. Christina sighed; she hardly wanted to start off her first conversation with her best friend since she escaped death like this. "Look, just. . .just explain it. I'm trying."

"Me, too." Izzie added.

Meredith continued, "The thing is. . .he scares me. I don't want to get hurt again."

"But aren't you hurting just as much without him?"

"Sort of. . .and I shouldn't be."

"So make yourself happy."

"I wish it were that easy."

"I don't get it." Christina shook her head in frustration.

"I do." Izzie said softly. She was thinking of Alex. "Even though you know how much you want it. . .how do you know he won't do something again?"

"You really think he has another wife!"

Izzie scowled at Christina. "Can you for just one second try not to be so damn literal? I meant how do we know he won't lie again, that he won't-"

"Break my heart. Again." Meredith put in quietly. "I want to know that he's serious. That it's not just in the moment."

Christina exhaled slowly. She wanted to help, but she wasn't doing very well. "Listen, Meredith. . .you've been in a coma for the past three days, so you've kind of missed a lot. He was terrified for you. He wouldn't leave your room. He sat up all night on the chance that you might wake up. He is completely and totally _in love _with you."

"You're the same way." Izzie added. "The only time I've seen you smile in forever is when you're with him. And then you get this sad look when he walks away. This is what you wanted."

Meredith was quiet for a few moments. Then, she said in a broken voice, "I. . .I didn't mean I never wanted to get back together I just . . . he just threw it on me, and I needed time-"

"We get that." Izzie told her soothingly. "It's perfectly understandable."

"I-I just need to talk to him."

Christina smiled. "I can take care of that."

XXXXXXXXX

Christina found Bailey in the hallway. "Meredith's awake."

Bailey stared her for a second, then her lips stretched into a smile. "Good. I told you, Yang. Faith."

Christina smiled slightly. "For once, I'm really glad to say you were right."

Bailey laughed. "You write up her post-op notes?"

"No. I'm going into surgery with Burke. You'll have to get Dr. Shepard to do it."

Bailey folded her arms. "Burke's in surgery already."

"Oh. Well . . ." She sighed. "Shepard doesn't know that. Make him do it."

Bailey stared at her quizzically. "You do realize he's my boss. What are you up to, Yang?"

XXXXXXXXX

Bailey found Derek leaning against a wall in the corridor.

"Dr. Shepard, Yang wanted me to give you a message. She got called into surgery with Burke before she could do post-op notes on Meredith, so you'll have to do them."

He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Can you find someone else, Bailey?"

"There is no one else. She's your patient, something you, as I remember, insisted on. Look, I don't know what's going on with you two, but you've been just about broken in the past few days because you were worried about her. Now she's awake, and you won't see her?"

"She said-"

Bailey held up a hand. "I don't care. Just go talk to her. Or, if you really want to be a stubborn ass, go into her room and don't say anything, just do the post-op notes."

"You seem to be confused. I'm actually _your _boss."

Bailey smiled slightly. "So you keep saying. Just do it."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Derek walked into Meredith's room. She glanced up. "Derek, I just-"

"I have to do your post-op notes." He said firmly. He avoided looking into her eyes, not wanting to see the hurt there. He knew he was being unfair, expecting her to jump right back in like that, but he felt bruised, hurt and disappointed.

She nodded, pressing her lips together tightly. She felt the coldness from him. She hated that. Part of her wanted to tell him forget about her needing time, kiss him, say how much she loved him. But the other part was angry. What right did he have to be mad at _her_? After all the shit he'd put her through, didn't she have a right to hesitate?

They were silent while he did some routine blood work and other routine procedures (once again, no medical knowledge). Then he cleared his throat.

"Are you in a lot of pain?"

Her voice was barely audible, but he could still sense the catch in it. "Yeah. I am."

He was determined not to look at her. "Well, you're going to have to stay at the hospital for awhile to recuperate and everything." Real professional sounding. "After you get out, you may need physical therapy. And those cuts on your arms-" He indicated the deep cuts lining each arm from the windshield glass. "-will probably leaves some scars."

She nodded. He turned to leave, then paused at the door. Keeping his back to her, he said, "That's what I did, isn't it? I scarred you."

She swallowed against the lump in her throat, searching for an answer. "No. Scars. . .scars don't hurt anymore." He was silent. "You. . .what you did, that's. . .that's like an open wound."

For a moment she thought he wasn't going to say anything. Then, in a voice she barely recognized, he got out, "I'm sorry."

"I know you are."

He shook his head. A tear slipped from his eye, and he still didn't turn around as he brushed at it impatiently. "Then what more can I say, Meredith? What else besides I'm sorry and I love you?"

She started crying, and she tried to keep her sobs silent, but he heard. He turned around, his eyes pleading. "I love you. . .Mer, please. . . just let me."

_It's a big girl world now_

_Full of big girl things_

_And everyday I wish I was small_

She tried to speak, but she was crying harder now. Derek came over to the bed and bent down next to it. "Don't cry, Mer. . .it can all get better for us."

"I don't know if I c-can. There's just too much damage." She choked out.

He reached up with his thumb and gently brushed the tears away. "Let me fix that."

_And I've been counting on nothing_

_And he keeps giving me his word_

"You really hurt me."

"I never wanted to."

"But you couldn't help it, Derek. And if you did it once without meaning, too. . .you could do it again. I know it sounds stupid but. . .I just don't think I can take anymore."

_And I am tired of hearing myself speak_

_Do you get weary? Do you ever get weak?_

He was quiet for a moment, then he slipped his hand into hers and squeezed it. "I love you. That's all I have. I need you to decide to trust me, and I need you to decide to let yourself be happy with me."

"I want to be sure." She wiped her eyes.

"We're never sure. We can't be."

_How do you dream when you can't fall asleep_

Derek kept speaking. "I'm going to let you have time. But you know where to find me. When you decide."

He started to leave.

_I've been wonderin what you're thinking_

_And if you liked my dress tonight_

"Wait, Derek. . ."

"What?"

"I don't know I just. . .just wait. I need you to make me sure."

"I can't do that. You have to do that yourself. What else do you expect me to say?"

Her voice was suddenly fragile, like a small child. "_Fight _for me."

_Would you still say you loved me_

_Under this ordinary moonlight_

He stared at her. "I thought that's what I've been standing here doing."

"Don't give up, then." She sounded ridiculous, and she knew it. "You never do, even when I ask. When I told you I wouldn't go out with you, you kept asking. When I told you to leave me alone when Addison was here, you kept talking to me. You never give up on it, Derek. Not now. I need to know you mean it."

_I'm so afraid of what you'll say_

He smiled slightly. "What do you want me to say, Mer? That I won't take no for an answer? I don't plan on it."

"I just. . .I need to know. . ._why_."

"Why what?"

"Why I can trust you."

The smile dropped from his face. Their eyes locker, his pained, Meredith's full of hurt, fear, and tears.

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch_

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance_

He chose his words carefully. "Because I know how much you've been hurting, and I've hated myself for causing it. And because I would rather die than see you in any bit of pain. And because. . .because I love you. And it _should_ be enough. It should always be enough." He went back to the bed. "We can't predict the future, Mer. So, yeah, I can't say for sure that nothing will ever happen. But I know I want my future to be with you. And I know I'm going to try not to make any mistakes this time."

_I used to think I was special_

_And only I have proved me wrong_

_I thought I could change the world with a song_

The silence went on for a long time. Finally, Meredith said softly, "Okay."

He stared at her. "Okay?"

"I can't fight it anymore." She smiled through her tears. "I love you."

_But I have ended up in India _

_With no map to guide me home_

_The strangest place I think I've ever been_

"So we're. . .we're going to try this?"

She nodded, cuffing one hand around his neck and pulling him to her. "Yeah. Just promise you're going to save _me _this time."

_And all this time I thought that we were friends_

_My stubborn will is learning to bend._

He leaned in and kissed her.

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch_

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance_

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch_

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance _

_It's a big girl world now_

_Full of big girl things_

_And everyday I wish I was small_

**Well, that's it for this one. Hope it wasn't too rushed. Anyway, I'm going be starting another one soon, hopefully, maybe a sequel to this (if I come up with another storyline, which I probably can) or maybe an idea I've been working on to go off the show's current timeline and show how the show SHOULD go with everything as of now. Any preferences? I might just write both at the same time. Whatever. Hoped you enjoyed this. PLEASE review the last chapter, and thanks for all the reviews so far. Sorry this chapter was so long in coming (well longer than before), but. . .hope it was worth it.**


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